Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
