I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
