i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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