U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I have aggressive nipples.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
