does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
