3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
