My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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