Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
