youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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