I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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