Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
