On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
