He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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