you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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