When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
