guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
