a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just had sex bonerless
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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