Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
