We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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