i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think I won the penis lottery.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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