I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
you had me at cake vodka
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
