I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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