There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
