your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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