It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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