you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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