I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
