I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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