Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
