I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
