I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
