I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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