nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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