HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
3 2 1 whiskey
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
