Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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