i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
