I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
