You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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