I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
