i just had sex bonerless
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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