Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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