You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
