dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
