so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Randomize
