I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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