Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
