Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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