i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
