i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
we're making bets on your personal life
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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