after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
