I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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