Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
